I managed to talk myself through the stressful period. I think I was too depressed, and stressed up and whatever nonsense, as this exam really is a life-death thing for me. Though exaggerated, but well, it's over and although im still worrying abt the outcome but I shall try not to think about it as much as I can.
I find myself a nuisance, really. And I really don't wanna pose as a nuisance to anyone, esp people I love dearly anymore. I don't want to make things difficult for them, neither do I want to bother them with my insecurities and paranoia. I have to learn not to be overly controlled by my ridiculous emotions and stay focused.
they have been the best gift ever in my entire life and it's weird like why do i have this escape feeling. But things will never be the same because of me. I appreciate all that they've done, the help, advices, fun, laughter, peace and joy, every single thing which is so hard to be named out.
I really create something out of nothing. All because I think wad I think is right. And even though I have things left unsaid because I chose not to but then I just don't want to disturb them anymore. I don't want to feel like shit anymore either. Cos once i feel lik shit, i make ppl around me feel like shit too.
The problem lies with me and as long as for a day I don't get myself checked or learn and improve myself, forever I will be a problem to anyone. Security is not what others can provide but is what I myself have to assure myself. My paranoia is something i wish i can get rid of. Not hiding anymore, but I've checking out the good psychologists around because I think i need help, urgently.
Some people might think i'm crazy, everything is uncalled for, but i think i really have a problem and not everyone can understand it i guess.
for now, i will get on with life and try to improve myself better. Some things are always better left unsaid. :)
So to work, or not to work? That's the fucked up question.
Seriously, I don't know what does the people around me want from me!
My cousin told me Esprit is not good for me, and gave me 1001 reasons and successfully convinced me not to work there with all her logics as i'll lose out from my peers. And so, I rejected the job. She wanted me to concentrate on my studies and if i work+study, it'll drain me quickly.
It doesn't harm to just wait for another 6 mths when i'll fully complete this goddamnit degree since I was already jobless for the past year.
And now, after I told mum abt it, she gave me the frustrated face, AGAIN. she wan me to work and study at the same time? sorry! I CAN'T DO IT! She can't wait for me to jus be independent and don need to take any of her money at all.
Do I have a choice? Neither this or that way is good. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I also wanna complete my studies what! Who doesn't wanna get this over and done with?
At this point in life, everyone knows studies are important. And its best not to work and study at the same time unless one is forced with no choice. The thing is, we are poor but not to the extent like some ppl who don even hav money to continue studying! But still, I have to do things to suit my own family, at the expense of myself.
I am not those smart and hardworking kids out there. I am not! Mom knows how bad my studies are, she even knwo abt the whole termination thing. But shes still taking no chances at all. EXPECT ME TO WORK AND STUDY AT THE SAME TIME!?
Why can't she just accept it? Why? Do I have any choice in what I really want to do? Shes frustrated over the fact that my bro cant help support the family. she's upset that im still studying. shes upset that she still have to work to support the family.
BUT DO I HAVE A CHOICE? I was born 12 years later aft my bro leh, so, tell me, DO I HAVE A CHOICE? Everyone wants me to go get a degree. Even if I really don't want, but people around me are urging me to go for it, esp my mom. did she even realise that double major takes 3 yrs at least to finish? while im only taking 2years?
So tell me, DO I HAVE A FREAKING CHOICE?!
Why no one just ever understand the freaking plight im in? Why only think about themselves? Why want me to complete and fulfill the responsibilities which wasn't supposed to be on me yet?
FUCK Y'ALL !!!!
"The burning pain in my arms, stops the burning tears. Slicing the skin calms my doubts and helps erase my fears.."
"No one can ever promise they'll never hurt you because at one time or another, it's going to happen."
"Behind this smile is everything you'll NEVER understand."
"I want to feel safe in my skin, I want to be happy again. I want to feel like I belong in this world but I'm so lonely, I can't be myself."
"Physical pain relieves mental anguish."
maybe i should turn to this, since nothing is making things right for me.
"Whenever someone asks me if I'm okay, it's just one more reminder that I'm not."
"Do you know why I hate myself? I'm selfish, lonely, insecure, annoying, bitchy.. but the main reason I hate myself is because I'm me."
"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
"Smile; make you think I'm happy. Talk;make you think I love me. I laugh; so you don't see me cry I feel myself dying, but you see me survive"
"Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she don't fall asleep crying & even though she acts like everythings fine, maybe she's lying. & now she's too scared to get close to anyone because everyone who said "I'll always be here". [[left]]"
"It's me against the world and I'm not sure I care."
"The most beautiful thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain."
"All I know is that the pain I felt so long ago, the pain I tried to run away from; it's hurting ten times more now."
it's been a few nights that i've been crying in the middle of the night. Speaking about the problem makes me face it, but it just reminds me what i'm always crying for.
i lose my appetite. i lose my sleep. i let my thoughts wander. i'm not in control of my emotions anymore. i let it all go. i can't be bothered abt myself. i let my world fall apart.
all because it was the most treasured intangible asset & it's what i'll hold on with my life. they never knew how impt they are in my life or they chose to forgot about it.
my insecurities and paranoia has brought much annoyance to them.
it's definitely, its official. don't bother a single shit about me anymore. our journey has ended. it's time i take flight alone. my greatest disappointment. thanks for the memories you all have given.
i knew i was never good enough. i knew i was never in the same frequency. i knew im more of a trouble, rather than someone can turn to.
nothing is going right. nothing.
